A Vacation from Music? Sort of....

After 6 months in L.A., of pounding the song writing pavement, I needed a vacation! In the time I had been here so far, I had accomplished quite a bit; not with any major outcome, but little steps here and there. I had gotten some day jobs, recorded two songs in a studio, submitted my music to countless contests and opportunities, and performed a little at various venues. Did I mention I had MOVED from my home of 8 years?! That was more than a little stressful. I decided to take two weeks and decompress and have a good time. I started my journey slowly driving up the beautiful coastline past Malibu, Santa Barbara, a stop in Avila beach, and then ended up in Oakland. There I got news about 5 of my songs I had submitted for industry feedback. They had an intricate scoring system and I scored above 5 on everything from lyrics, melody, etc. and I scored a 10 in the category of "how the music fits with the lyrics", on every song. (Wouldn't that be the MAIN thing one would be looking for in a song?!) Regardless, the good news is that no one said I should give up songwriting, but clearly the consensus with my music after 6 months of pursuit, is that my writing is not "literal" enough. Can you imagine saying that to a Jim Morrison? "Hey Jim, your songs are too deep"... Anyway, I have been getting this feedback a lot, so I have to take it pretty seriously since I just moved my entire existence to try and be a songwriter. Unfortunately, I have never been a "story songwriter". I write in a poetic style and don't really care much about character development. I care about the emotions. I don't dislike story songs, I just simply don't write that way....for the most part. I do have some songs that I think fit the mold a little more, and I am going to record that material and present it for the next round of madness, but it was definitely hard to hear. Too bad I had not been born in the 60's. Apparently the attention span of people these days cannot handle anything that is not obvious and not quickly so. (not my words, but word from the industry). I feel that there are plenty of songs out there though, that are not totally literal, so perhaps I just have not found my avenue yet.

I accept rejection as graciously as I can, but it is still difficult, for anyone I think, so I try and vacate. After Oakland for a day, I head up to a retreat center in Leggett, Ca, where I have rented a cabin for a few days, and will see no one, and have no technology. I had a few books, and I really enjoyed playing and composing new material on the kalimba; my african thumb piano. On the day I left, I snapped a few photos, and I also wrote a piece about the experience. And guess what?! It is a SHORT piece! But feel free to text or instagram in between lines...:) I just got my new iphone 5s, so....yea.

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                                Three Days at Rangjung Yeshe Gomde

I meander my way from Los Angeles up the coast of California. My destination: Rangjung Yeshe Gomde, a Tibetan Buddhist Retreat center in Leggett, Ca. It will be the first part of my long overdue vacation from a very stressful, life-changing year of moving and career changes. Although I do not practice in the vein of Tibetan Buddhism, I was familiar with the center from living in Northern California for 8 years. I had gone a couple of times to listen to talks by renowned teachers, which were held in their beautiful Buddhist Shrine Room. I knew it was also a place I could go for a personal retreat, to practice my own Vipassana meditation. For three days, I would be surrounded by 250 acres of lush forest along the Eel River, to practice meditation and to walk and relax amongst the grounds.  I rented a self-contained room right next to the rushing water, where I would be free of my phone, computer, and other distractions of modern daily life.

Day One: I arrive at my new digs with a pervasive tiredness that I didn’t know could exist. My excitement is shrouded in a drowsiness that immediately makes me want to sleep. When I wake up two hours later,  I’m still exhausted. I slowly move from my bed to the chair and cry about my existence, which has become a broken record. “What am I doing with my life?” “Why haven’t I made anything out of myself yet, I’m almost 40!” I sit paralyzed in a darkness that mimics the chilly overcast mountains for another couple of hours, then try to do some yoga, which is excruciatingly painful as I gently move my body around on the floor. On my evening walk, repeating thoughts pervade-most notably artist Pharell’s song, “Happy”, which I like well enough, but certainly not on repeat in my head to the point of madness. I realized it is probably because I heard that song about 20 times on various stations on the long drive up. The lyrics are surprisingly apropos though, for what one would hope would be an uplifting spiritual retreat.

“Because I’m happy

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

Because I’m happy

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

Because I’m happy

Clap along if you know what happiness is to you

Because I’m happy

Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do.”

I really did not feel happy, amused, or in a clapping hands kind of mood, so I cursed at myself as I stumbled along steep paths, also realizing that I was very out of shape.

Day Two: Still tired. I meditate, putter around, and then take a long nap in the afternoon. Yoga is still relatively painful. After an evening walk with Pharell’s song still in my head, I try and read to block it out, but fall asleep early with Thich Nhat Hahn’s book, “Anger” folded over my head.

Day Three: The sun is attempting to break through the dreariness, and I wake up feeling surprisingly refreshed and peacefully happy. Yoga is no longer painful, and I stretch my body luxuriously on the floor. Thoughts are passing freely and appear to seem more humorous then before.

On my walk-a bouquet of yellow Spanish peas for the Green Tara, the Tibetan Buddhist Goddess of activity, who sits in a frame on a bureau in my room. Carrots for my new friends, three donkey stall mates. I gleefully watch them interact very much like dysfunctional roommates and gently lecture them on loving-kindness. Walking meditation through the wet meadow; poppies, grasshoppers and butterflies. A bright green frog hopping through the pennyroyal. The warm sun makes its’ first appearance as I lounge by the river watching passing cloud formations. Picking fresh thyme for dinner and peppermint and lemon balm for tea from the garden. Finding a fox jawbone and leg bone and using it as a musical instrument.  Getting caught in an unexpected cold rain and feeling alive and exhilarated. Noticing that months of accumulated stress is dissolving as I sit concentrating on being fully present in the moment. Then, on my last evening as I sit in front of Green Tara, came to my consciousness from an unknown source-a perfect celestial heart, dark and radiant, which made me weep, but this time they were tears of joy.

“(Happy)

Bring me down

Can’t nothing

bring me down

My level’s too high

Bring me down

Can’t nothing

bring me down

I said

(let me tell you now)

Bring me down

Can’t nothing

bring me down

My level’s too high

Bring me down

Can’t nothing

bring me down

I said

Because I’m happy.”

The Perils of Songwriting Contests

     There are papers strewn all over my floor, and none have come out of my printer correctly. They are forms for a songwriting contest, and today is the last day to enter, so time is of the essence. I enter several contests a year, as another avenue of connecting with the industry- knowing which song contests are “legitimate” and which are scams, is one of the many things a songwriter must know when navigating the arena of getting ones foot in the door. I know that this one is the real deal-I researched one of the founding members and had enriching email correspondence with her, a very successful woman songwriter. This group is also great, because they offer membership and ongoing support and opportunities; the membership is low, and with it I have recently been attending song screenings and other opportunities through their L.A. chapter.  Aside from that, and like all song writing contests, it’s a real pain in the ass to enter. This one is old school-A requirement is to print out a submission form for each song, two pages long; and to make it worse, the length of the page is a funny size, not the standard 8x10. After the fifth time printing and working with different settings, I was still getting half the page cut off, conveniently right where I had to sign my name…….curse the music industry gods-or I mean, demons. Another option was to submit online through an intermediary service,-a place where you sign up and get an “artist page”, and supposedly industry people check them out when they are looking for people to sign, etc. There is a fee, of course, but I thought, “what the hell”-I hate wasting paper; couldn’t hurt to join for a month-try it out and cancel……(as I write this now, after cancelling my membership 5 months ago; I still am getting emails from them that they “mistakenly” “forgot” to “cancel” my “membership” and they “don’t understand how this could have happened”, even though I have been in contact with them and have gotten very pissed off. ) After spending an hour setting up my music page-password, bio, picture, etc., I start loading the songs I want to enter into the contest; seven total. After 5 songs load a pop up window opens up and says there is a “minimum 5 song limit on my basic plan”……”would I like to upgrade?” FUCK YOU!! Back to square one…..

     After finally printing out 14 oblong sheets of paper successfully, I start filling out the info and then get stuck on the part where I have to stick my songs into neat little boxes called “categories”. Is this song country? There are examples as to be “helpful” and they are Taylor Swift and Garth Brooks…..SO not the feel of the song-it was inspired by Amy Winehouse and I always imagined her singing it, but it has a pedal steel so..….what about this one-rock? Singer-songwriter? They give examples of rock-Bon Jovi, Pearl Jam……uh-well, it is rock, sort of; can’t I get a woman rock example?…..negative-ok, well-singer-songwriter? O.K, better go with that, but it is really a mixture of the two…when in doubt I go for the often not  given category of “Americana”, my saving grace, as most of my music has a mixture of blues and rock…..

     After about an hour of putting the songs into categories and filling out paper work, I go through the process of cutting 7 cd’s, one song each, and then putting it into my stereo to make sure it plays….anal? Yes, but one time after having sent out a cd to a famous producer and finding out years later that it never played was enough for me…..Next step-labeling each one with a good ole’ sharpie (I’m not going the usual route of using my new laser printer disc labeler for a song writing contest). Final step-packaging it all up and mailing it with a check for $140 dollars which, for fun, I like to think of as how many hours at my minimum paying job I worked, mailing it out, and ………waiting.

     The waiting is ok, until you know it is close to when the announcements are going to be made. Good legitimate song writing contests run by industry professionals have launched careers, or at least have gotten someone exposure and the chance to meet people and build connections. It's my excitement, so I wait…..

     The first song contest I entered was in 2012. It was an international contest for songwriters all over the world, age 16 and up, and I sent in several songs. They contacted me to tell me that I had not won, but “thanks for submitting!” “Better luck next time!” Five months later someone online congratulated me for my honorable mention for my country song “Snow” in SongDoor's 2012 songwriting contest…..I didn’t know what they were talking about, so I checked it out online,  and there I was, on the honorable mention list of who knows how many international songwriters……

Yes, the list is longer and I am indeed at the bottom.......

I thought it was a big deal-enough to certainly contact a struggling songwriter about, but one gets nothing in that category, though it did give me hope, something I’m always searching for as a very sensitive person in this cut throat business.

     The worst part is when you check out the winners and their music or song is completely to your disliking, lol…..and the usual beating up on oneself that you just don’t have “what people want”, and the feeling foolish for spending your hard earned money for the impossible dream…….but then it is next year, and you do it all over again……