"It's Just a Number"-The Age of Total Acceptance

I was a late musical bloomer, so to speak. I have been playing music since about 16. I was self taught, and at a relatively older age. I think a lot of kids start out learning an instrument very early, in elementary school, and take private lessons to get very proficient. Needless to say, it took me 21 years of singing and guitar playing to get to the point where I am at now-confident enough in my skills to move to a big city like Los Angeles and pursue music professionally. One thing I am not so confident about-is my age. People say that age is, "just a number"-which is true. At my age I have the experience, skills, and lots of other qualities I lacked in my 20's when I was pretty much an unfocused basket case. Still, I worry about my age in this time of continued beauty obsession, with the added pressure of constant cell phone presence at public and private events, taking photos and videos of every little thing-all in crisp and unrelenting HD quality.

In Los Angeles, I am amongst a large population of beautiful women songwriters.  For some, there are many choices made of strict diets, personal trainers, and botox or cosmetic surgery to feel confident. In my 20's, I looked like a model-long flowing hair, perfect skin, and was almost 20 pounds thinner. Being in the big city has definitely caused some insecurity to creep in.

The other day I attended an event, and was looking good-hair done, fabulous dress, and I had been making more of an effort to go to the gym to feel more energy and focus on my health. I found myself in a room with lots of beautiful women, and I felt a bit insecure.....but then I realized that they were mostly in their 20's, and younger than I. Emotionally, I felt equally sad about youth gone by, and at the same time I felt a big acceptance-because it dawned on me that I was simply older, and was not going to look like I was in my 20's anymore. When I went home that evening, I realized that instead of comparing myself, I needed to celebrate my age, because honestly, my 20's sucked, and now I am having the time of my life, so why do I care?

People tell me all of the time that age does not matter in the music industry-especially in my genre of singer-songwriter. I do indeed have many role models who did not find lasting success until their 30's or 40's-Sharon Jones, Leonard Cohen, Lucinda Williams, Gillian Welch, Neko Case....but just when I started to look at this situation in a positive light, I saw some news about the VMA's-the Video Music Awards.

One of my idols-Gwen Stefani, was presenting this year, and on a television commentary show, two people were discussing her-It went along the lines about how great Gwen looked "for her age" (she is 44). Yes, I agree; she looks good for ANY age. Then the talk went on about her outfit choice, and that although she didn't show as much skin as her 20 something counterparts, that no one would "likely mistake her for anyone's mother". I was appalled. Why is this great artists age even a topic of conversation? I know that many artists are really criticized for having face or body work, and I have been guilty of judgement, but now I understand why-watching the VMA's and some of the performers-I can understand why an "older" artist might feel great pressure to look younger.

Here is a blurb about Gwen's "appearance" at the VMA's. VMA Red Carpet

What strikes me in the linked article is the word, "flawless".-Yes, I guess that is a wonderful compliment, but it seems like a lot of pressure-to be "always just perfection". What if she's not always flawless and perfect? How about less over dramatic statements about beauty, such as, gorgeous, stylish or radiant? Why must these ideals be projected?

Another article states, "the blonde beauty hasn't aged a day". Is she not supposed to? Am I not supposed to?

Gwen Stefani-VMA's 2014
Kevin Mazur/WireImage

Although I sometimes succumb to growing pains, for the most part, I feel good about myself-some people are naturally that way-I have reasons and experiences that haven't always made me feel the most confident, but I appreciate the acute awareness of realizing that-and the desire for TOTAL ACCEPTANCE. This doesn't mean that I can now let myself go-there are certain things that I want to do that are right for me to feel good about myself-and not just physically-for my mind and spirit also, which can give great confidence, but I simply am never going to look like I am in my 20's-and that is o.k. I want to feel comfortable for my age and live fully in this present time of my life.

20. 

What people do with their bodies and appearances are personal choices for everyone, and don't need to be analyzed by society. For me personally, to feel that I MUST turn back the hands of time to fit into the music industry is very confining-my wish is to
roam freely in the wide open expanse of ACCEPTANCE.

late 30's.

The Perils of Songwriting Contests

     There are papers strewn all over my floor, and none have come out of my printer correctly. They are forms for a songwriting contest, and today is the last day to enter, so time is of the essence. I enter several contests a year, as another avenue of connecting with the industry- knowing which song contests are “legitimate” and which are scams, is one of the many things a songwriter must know when navigating the arena of getting ones foot in the door. I know that this one is the real deal-I researched one of the founding members and had enriching email correspondence with her, a very successful woman songwriter. This group is also great, because they offer membership and ongoing support and opportunities; the membership is low, and with it I have recently been attending song screenings and other opportunities through their L.A. chapter.  Aside from that, and like all song writing contests, it’s a real pain in the ass to enter. This one is old school-A requirement is to print out a submission form for each song, two pages long; and to make it worse, the length of the page is a funny size, not the standard 8x10. After the fifth time printing and working with different settings, I was still getting half the page cut off, conveniently right where I had to sign my name…….curse the music industry gods-or I mean, demons. Another option was to submit online through an intermediary service,-a place where you sign up and get an “artist page”, and supposedly industry people check them out when they are looking for people to sign, etc. There is a fee, of course, but I thought, “what the hell”-I hate wasting paper; couldn’t hurt to join for a month-try it out and cancel……(as I write this now, after cancelling my membership 5 months ago; I still am getting emails from them that they “mistakenly” “forgot” to “cancel” my “membership” and they “don’t understand how this could have happened”, even though I have been in contact with them and have gotten very pissed off. ) After spending an hour setting up my music page-password, bio, picture, etc., I start loading the songs I want to enter into the contest; seven total. After 5 songs load a pop up window opens up and says there is a “minimum 5 song limit on my basic plan”……”would I like to upgrade?” FUCK YOU!! Back to square one…..

     After finally printing out 14 oblong sheets of paper successfully, I start filling out the info and then get stuck on the part where I have to stick my songs into neat little boxes called “categories”. Is this song country? There are examples as to be “helpful” and they are Taylor Swift and Garth Brooks…..SO not the feel of the song-it was inspired by Amy Winehouse and I always imagined her singing it, but it has a pedal steel so..….what about this one-rock? Singer-songwriter? They give examples of rock-Bon Jovi, Pearl Jam……uh-well, it is rock, sort of; can’t I get a woman rock example?…..negative-ok, well-singer-songwriter? O.K, better go with that, but it is really a mixture of the two…when in doubt I go for the often not  given category of “Americana”, my saving grace, as most of my music has a mixture of blues and rock…..

     After about an hour of putting the songs into categories and filling out paper work, I go through the process of cutting 7 cd’s, one song each, and then putting it into my stereo to make sure it plays….anal? Yes, but one time after having sent out a cd to a famous producer and finding out years later that it never played was enough for me…..Next step-labeling each one with a good ole’ sharpie (I’m not going the usual route of using my new laser printer disc labeler for a song writing contest). Final step-packaging it all up and mailing it with a check for $140 dollars which, for fun, I like to think of as how many hours at my minimum paying job I worked, mailing it out, and ………waiting.

     The waiting is ok, until you know it is close to when the announcements are going to be made. Good legitimate song writing contests run by industry professionals have launched careers, or at least have gotten someone exposure and the chance to meet people and build connections. It's my excitement, so I wait…..

     The first song contest I entered was in 2012. It was an international contest for songwriters all over the world, age 16 and up, and I sent in several songs. They contacted me to tell me that I had not won, but “thanks for submitting!” “Better luck next time!” Five months later someone online congratulated me for my honorable mention for my country song “Snow” in SongDoor's 2012 songwriting contest…..I didn’t know what they were talking about, so I checked it out online,  and there I was, on the honorable mention list of who knows how many international songwriters……

Yes, the list is longer and I am indeed at the bottom.......

I thought it was a big deal-enough to certainly contact a struggling songwriter about, but one gets nothing in that category, though it did give me hope, something I’m always searching for as a very sensitive person in this cut throat business.

     The worst part is when you check out the winners and their music or song is completely to your disliking, lol…..and the usual beating up on oneself that you just don’t have “what people want”, and the feeling foolish for spending your hard earned money for the impossible dream…….but then it is next year, and you do it all over again……