I accept rejection as graciously as I can, but it is still difficult, for anyone I think, so I try and vacate. After Oakland for a day, I head up to a retreat center in Leggett, Ca, where I have rented a cabin for a few days, and will see no one, and have no technology. I had a few books, and I really enjoyed playing and composing new material on the kalimba; my african thumb piano. On the day I left, I snapped a few photos, and I also wrote a piece about the experience. And guess what?! It is a SHORT piece! But feel free to text or instagram in between lines...:) I just got my new iphone 5s, so....yea.
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Three Days at Rangjung Yeshe Gomde
I meander my way from Los Angeles up
the coast of California. My destination: Rangjung Yeshe Gomde, a Tibetan
Buddhist Retreat center in Leggett, Ca. It will be the first part of my long
overdue vacation from a very stressful, life-changing year of moving and career
changes. Although I do not practice in the vein of Tibetan Buddhism, I was
familiar with the center from living in Northern California for 8 years. I had
gone a couple of times to listen to talks by renowned teachers, which were held
in their beautiful Buddhist Shrine Room. I knew it was also a place I could go
for a personal retreat, to practice my own Vipassana meditation. For three
days, I would be surrounded by 250 acres of lush forest along the Eel River, to
practice meditation and to walk and relax amongst the grounds. I rented a self-contained room right next to
the rushing water, where I would be free of my phone, computer, and other
distractions of modern daily life.
Day One: I arrive at my new digs with a pervasive
tiredness that I didn’t know could exist. My excitement is shrouded in a
drowsiness that immediately makes me want to sleep. When I wake up two hours
later, I’m still exhausted. I slowly
move from my bed to the chair and cry about my existence, which has become a
broken record. “What am I doing with my life?” “Why haven’t I made anything out
of myself yet, I’m almost 40!” I sit paralyzed in a darkness that mimics the
chilly overcast mountains for another couple of hours, then try to do some yoga,
which is excruciatingly painful as I gently move my body around on the floor.
On my evening walk, repeating thoughts pervade-most notably artist Pharell’s
song, “Happy”, which I like well enough, but certainly not on repeat in my head
to the point of madness. I realized it is probably because I heard that song
about 20 times on various stations on the long drive up. The lyrics are
surprisingly apropos though, for what one would hope would be an uplifting
spiritual retreat.
“Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do.”
I
really did not feel happy, amused, or in a clapping hands kind of mood, so I
cursed at myself as I stumbled along steep paths, also realizing that I was
very out of shape.
Day Two: Still tired. I meditate,
putter around, and then take a long nap in the afternoon. Yoga is still
relatively painful. After an evening walk with Pharell’s song still in my head,
I try and read to block it out, but fall asleep early with Thich Nhat Hahn’s
book, “Anger” folded over my head.
Day Three: The sun is attempting to
break through the dreariness, and I wake up feeling surprisingly refreshed and
peacefully happy. Yoga is no longer painful, and I stretch my body luxuriously
on the floor. Thoughts are passing freely and appear to seem more humorous then
before.
On my walk-a bouquet of yellow
Spanish peas for the Green Tara, the Tibetan Buddhist Goddess of activity, who
sits in a frame on a bureau in my room. Carrots for my new friends, three
donkey stall mates. I gleefully watch them interact very much like dysfunctional
roommates and gently lecture them on loving-kindness. Walking meditation
through the wet meadow; poppies, grasshoppers and butterflies. A bright green
frog hopping through the pennyroyal. The warm sun makes its’ first appearance
as I lounge by the river watching passing cloud formations. Picking fresh thyme
for dinner and peppermint and lemon balm for tea from the garden. Finding a fox
jawbone and leg bone and using it as a musical instrument. Getting caught in an unexpected cold rain and
feeling alive and exhilarated. Noticing that months of accumulated stress is
dissolving as I sit concentrating on being fully present in the moment. Then,
on my last evening as I sit in front of Green Tara, came to my consciousness
from an unknown source-a perfect celestial heart, dark and radiant, which made
me weep, but this time they were tears of joy.
“(Happy)
Bring me down
Can’t nothing
bring me down
My level’s too high
Bring me down
Can’t nothing
bring me down
I said
(let me tell you now)
Bring me down
Can’t nothing
bring me down
My level’s too high
Bring me down
Can’t nothing
bring me down
I said
Because I’m happy.”
I love you. ~Your sister...
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