Sunday, January 3, 2016

Reflections on a New Year...



Reflections on my year-year two in Los Angeles. This year-new jobs, new home, new relationship, more music, more stress...I am on the final week of a three week vacation. I needed it so bad. The weeks leading up to my vacation had me in panic attacks, physical debilitation, illness, and an overall anxiety and worry. I get that way. I have a history of not being able to handle stress very well, so I’m supposed to do a series of health related practices to keep myself sane. I haven’t been doing a very good job in that department. My first year in L.A. was relatively stress free. Although I was nervous to begin a path of pursuing music full time, I was ready and jumped in; breaking through years and years of stage fright and other issues that caused me to ignore my dream. I had help; a place to live and I got a pretty good job fast. I met some people and started doing my music. This past year I moved out on my own...because of that I had to get a second day job; I currently am working three day jobs; one I pick and choose my own hours, so I don’t have to necessarily take hours, but I have been lately to continue to survive in the city; of which I am not used to. I had a pretty mellow life in Humboldt County in Northern Ca, where my rent was $450 and I had one job and did music more as a hobby, which was not what I wanted, so I moved here, and it is very different for me. It is a lot more stressful, and my stage fright and emotional issues factor into my health and wellbeing; whether or not I’m stable and thriving, or just appearing to be. It’s a lot of ups and downs. I basically take on much more than I can handle; but I’m so excited about music that I obsessively work on it; this is hard to do with a full time job, yet my true happiness lies in full immersion with my music. I waited so long. This year I will be 39. I know what I’m supposed to do to be healthy; in my case, with my history, it’s usually a bit more than the average person has to do; which means more time. I have been working on music instead, and it is starting to seriously jeopardize my health; and I noticed that it is affecting my performances. Because of my issues with depression and anxiety, my stage fright and lack of confidence creeps back, and then it is a downward spiral. I had been feeling this way lately. I talk about this, because I know many performers go through the same thing, and it is always helpful to me to reach out and discuss these things. I didn’t perform for over 10 years because of this, so being here in L.A. with all the love and support, and gigs I have been getting; means a lot to me, and I don’t want to disappoint people. The truth is that sometimes I perform really well, and sometimes I don’t. I’m more consistent when I take care of myself, as I’m more comfortable, confident, and sane. So my New Year’s resolution is to get back on track. Being on vacation has helped so much to reboot, but soon I begin the grind again, along with more music, so I need to step it up. I just wanted to reach out and say to please come to another show, even if you may have seen me and I was just.....alright-I actually have this energy inside of me that comes out on stage that I know is abundant and I want to share-so please keep me in mind and I hope to see you at some future shows.....
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1 comment:

  1. I have seen you up and down physically at the few performances I've been to. However as I have said before you are a very powerful solo performer in my opinion. You deliver the Cynthia soul.

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